Well today, a co-worker stumbled upon a great search issue. He wanted to search for the phrase “what to do if inside of grill gets wet“. He’s clearly having trouble  making his Bubba Burgers.

Google, however found that he wasn’t having GRILL issues, but instead having GIRL issues, and suggested he search “what to do if inside of girl gets wet“.

Being a man of intrigue, I had to see what results could come from this suggestion. I found instant gratification off of the first link with the description of “if inside of girl gets wet, then you should be proud”. Thank you Google.

I found this as interesting as when I received report cards as Christ in Catholic school as a child. Either way, Amazon and Holy Spirit Elementary School should probably update their name fields when they have students named Christopher. They could otherwise provide false hopes.

Matt (of WordPress) Drops by the studio and we discuss Microsoft, Open Source, Yahoo, and the future.

My flight was pretty nice; I ended up with an empty seat between myself and another passenger so there was a little more room to breathe. The in flight movie was The Game Plan, starring the people’s champion, The Rock. Needless to say, it was a great idea to load my iPod up with movies and shows last night.

I managed to watch Family Guy: Blue Harvest (Star Wars spoof) and finally caught some of the show Weeds (6 episodes). Before I knew it, we were landing in Las Vegas almost 45 minutes ahead of schedule.

I caught a cab to The Orleans where my grandfather was awaiting my arrival and placing bets in a horse racing tournament. I felt pretty bad for the cab driver. He looked identical to Milton from Office space and seemed to have the same pushover attitude. He told me stories of his bingo nights with his female best friend. How he would never win but occasionally she would win and treat him to dinner. So touching…

I arrive at the hotel just after 2:30 PST and meet up with my grandfather and quickly drop my luggage in the hotel room. My grandfather throws me a white baseball cap saying “HORSE PLAYER WORLD SERIES 2008” across the front. This was to be used as my disguise for sneaking into the racing tournament so I could score free beers and food. It worked pretty well.

I got to meet a few of my grandfather’s friends at this round table in one of the three tournament halls. They were all between the ages of 45 and 75, so I felt like we would have little to talk about. One of the men even began pulling me aside to give me lectures on life. Somehow we got on the topic of music and two of these guys told me they had seen George Thorogood just the night before. Dammit! That would have been a sick show to check out.

I never really paid all to much attention to horse racing but I must admit, it’s pretty exciting. Sort of like basketball, it’s really only exciting during the end. Everyone sits, chatting quietly during the first three quarters of the mile and suddenly it seems like everyone just notices the race is on. People start yelling, pumping fists in the air and jumping on chairs. It’s kind of crazy when some of the people on chairs are elderly women smoking cigars.

So I’ve just stopped back in the room and decided to jot this stuff down as I wait for my grandfather to get ready to go out tonight. There are no particular plans, but I’m sure it will be interesting with my grandfather. He can be pretty crazy from time to time. We’ve decided to delay our departure to Florida until Monday morning, which is nice because I’ll have an extra day to hang out in Las Vegas. I just can’t wait to get lost and drunk at some bar in the middle of America.

This movie really owned up to the hype. The monster was awesome, tore shit up, wrecked Manhatten, and wasn’t Godzilla like many had speculated.

The way this movie was shot, although very much like the Blair Witch Project, was great. I overheard many people saying they felt sick to their stocach after watching it. AWESOME! Make people sick without the use of gore. As much as the camera was all over the place, it worked brilliantly to deliver the effect that director Matt Reeves aimed to acheive. Chaos!

Unlike most movies today, this movie was not intended to have your typical plot. This was basically a fake documentary of the lives of a few as terror raged through New York City. As the credits roled, I overheard many screaming ”That’s it?” and ”What the hell?” All I could do was smile in the joy that people are still clueless to a movie that doesn’t follow a basic formula. It was hilarious seeing them upset, confused and enraged.

Be sure to see this movie, and if you’ve already done so, drop me a comment and let me know your thoughts. I’ve azlready done so much work digging up more information on this story, it is quite ridiculous that I now know the origins of this creature.

Bravo, JJ!

Tonight, my friend and I played Dead Rising for a few hours. For those that have no clue, it’s a game where you run around a zombie infested mall saving people and using anything and everything to kill the undead. I highly enjoy this but I had no idea what this zombie killing video game could do to my friend.

He said it was time for him to leave and gathered his keys and hat and made his way to the door. As he walked out the door, he turned around and quickly blocked the door so the cat couldn’t get out.

I do not have a cat.

Well for one thing, I had quite the ridiculous New Year’s Eve. My kidney’s were hurting for about the next three days and I woke up with a huge cut down my entire left arm. No clue how it happened. I’d like to think I fought nine people and that’s all the damage I received.

At the end of January I have big plans. I’m going to make my first trip across these great United States. My grandfather needs to bring his pickup truck from his home in Las Vegas to his new home in Florida and I offered to take the drive.

Hopefully I’ll stop in some strange bars, meet some cool people, see the world’s largest ball of yarn or something. Whichever happens, I’ll have my camera with me and attempt to get online to post shit as often as possible.

Let’s start from the start because that’s where most people begin to start when they initate the process to get going.

The Surreal Life
A blast from the past list of B-list celebrities are plcuked from their dormant lives to be thrown into a mansion togther. Over the few seasons of existence, we encounter such lovable faces as:

Okay, so we gathered people that were once noticed somewhere for something. Let’s make a show, right? Let’s make more seasons, right? Sadly someone said yes to both of those questions and that someone happened to be important at VH1.

So we go a few season into these celebrities competing for their popularity and the final third of their fifteen minutes of fame. Robin Leach apparently is not a theif because he would not the money from this show had he stolen anything from the Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous. He brings some class to the show while instructing these lovely celebs to compete in some lame events.

At the end of the day, popularity seems to be the winner and the prize somehow.

A few seasons in, we see a few sparks of love flying about. For a few minutes, America liked seeing Christopher Knight, of the Brady Bunch, dating a model that is many years younger. They spin off into a little series titled My Fair Brady. Luckily for these two, there was very little bull shit and they got married and no one really cares any more.

Then you have the largest joke to ever be broadcasted through a tv. Flava Flave and Brigitte Nielsen start bumping uglies (and they were ugly) during the filming of this junk show. Clearly being an odd couple, they get a spin off wonderfully titled Strange Love.

After the crazy experiment of love and comparison who has the more leather-like skin, Brigette and Flave part ways. For some reason I think she seemed to be the more sane of the two because Flava Flave looks like the he’s in competition with Keith Richards for drugs taken.

So he clearly needs to find love. What better way than to make a show out of this. Bring some classy ladies into a home and let Flave lose on them. They missed the part on classy. After two seasons of cat fights, flave getting random tail from every hood-rat in the house, girls spitting at each other and someone taking a shit on the steps, someone said Flave is done. THANK YOU!

FUCK! It’s not over! This cocky, selfish, moronic bitch decides she still wants to find love and she should have a man after Flavor Flave dissed her twice. But VH1 gives the woman nicknamed New York, another few chances with I Love New York, seasons one and two, keeping the spin cycle as well as the entertainment on dry. Her second season is just about to end, and I can’t wait to see how this ends. Hopefully it just ends.

Wow. I guess everyone has had their chance in the spotlight, had their 15 minutes. NOPE! These skanks from the original Flvor of Love series need to be seen again. Since they need some class, let’s film them going to charm school in the knock-out series Flavor of Love: Charm School. JUST END IT!!!!!

Well I guess for those of you that really enjoyed this and are still dizzy with delight, there is still one more spin off to come. The Surreal Life: Fame Game series should be popping up soon. Looks to be a best-of cast from previous seasons. I know I’ll be strapped to the couch watching this.

A side note to Hollywood… Please end this writer’s striek! These guys deserve to get paid. I have to deal with shuch shit TV anymore and all the best shows have been left incomplete. Someone throw me another beer.

Before I really rip into this sport, allow me to list the pros of it:

1. The cars are really fast.
2. Hot chicks tend to go to the events.
3. They probably throw some of their money back into some charity or beneficial thing.

I really struggled to make that “list.”

Now, I know I am not the most talented or athletic person in the world, but NASCAR is a joke. Remember answering the question of ”What sports did you play when you were growing up?” and someone gave you grief when baseball was one of your answers? “Even my grandmother played basebal!” FUCK YOU! My grandmother STILL drives. Beat that, NASCAR fan. Seriously, the drivers license test is probably more difficult than becoming a contender in this sport. If you’ve got enough money to buy a fund a fast car, you win!

Brings me to my next point. It’s the weekend, you wanna relax, have fun, maybe enjoy a frosty beverage of your choice. The last thing I wanna do is think about work, or be reminded of how shitty traffic was all week because some ass decided to begin construction on every major highway on your path home. He even decided to fix the potholes on that backroad you like to sneak off to when traffic gets really backed up. Unless I’m driving to a party, bar or to pick up a girl (who is clearly having a shitty day because she’s spending time with me), I really don’t care to sit in my car or think about being in my car.

And these guys do it for hours. Even guys in motocross or go-kart races limit their lap numbers to something realistic. 500 laps? How far into that 8th bottle of Uncle Jebs moonshine were you when you came up with that number? Clearly this decision was made after you laid out the course. No drunk man could come up with that smooth of an course. Nothing in there to throw you off. God forbid you went right once. Maybe flip a coin before the race. “Okay gentlemen, heads is clockwise, tails is counter-clockwise. Call it in there air.” That might mess with the drivers’ heads though. They’re already too busy concentrating on getting that pedal to the floor faster than the other guy.

Shit is pretty compex!

So why does this really concern me? Who cares if people sit in front of their TV watching something dumb like NASCAR when such horrible things like MTV are still up and running. So what if people tailgate this race. I like tailgating. I like beer. I like BBQ. I like women. All sounds good, right? You know you wanna go tailgate the next event even though it’s months until they hit your neck of the woods.

Well here is a pretty simple reason. Wasting gasoline! These guys are driving 850 horsepower engines and pumping some insanely high-octane fuel. My car might have a quarter of that power. In once race, “nearly 5,000 gallons of racing gasoline will be consumed during a four-hour span”at a rate of about $6 per gallon. This doesn’t even include the amount of fuel they use during practice and getting their stock-car beauty there.

Aside from the 50 cars that will compete in each race, we’ve got 200,000 fans that will drive nearly half-way across the United States to attend this event that they could have sat on their couch to watch. NASCAR spokespeople and even fuel suppliers claim that these races don’t use enough fuel to damage the environment, and that the SUV driven back and forth to work everyday does more damage. I’m not arguing the less of two evils. Both are opperated by assholes if you ask me. I asked me. So yeah, I’m sure that these 50 cars burning 5,000 gallons in four hours and 200,000 fans driving multiple states will having nothing to do with the increasing price of fuels.

I understand this is a southern past time, and it came of a great reason. Running moonshine. Awesome! But this is not a sport. What is exciting or interesting about 50 cars driving in a circle for four hours? The pit stop? I think that pit stop work is more of a challenge than the entire race. Have you ever changed a tire on the side of the highway? Next time you do, try getting it done in under a minute. Just try one tire in under a minute.

Shit, I wanna start my own competative tire changing league now. NASCAR has inspired me. I never would have thought that NASCAR would inspire me while writing this blog. But at the end of the day, it’s still a lame sport. Maybe a fun hobbie. I know kids that love drifintg, I find there is more skill involved in that. Quite dangerous as well. I can see myself sitting down to watch drifting some afternoon for an hour. Some wild interlooping course, never knowing which way you’ll have to turn and how fast you’ll need to be going to rip your back end out to make it around.

And also, please check out how the rap industry has gotten into NASCAR. This album is on my Christmas wishlist for sure!